In a previous post, I explored why boredom can feel uncomfortable. This discomfort often drives us to avoid being alone.

I used to love being alone. But during one of my walks, I realised there is a big difference between being with oneself and being alone.

Looking back, what I really meant was when I am exhausted or overstimulated, I don’t want to be disturbed. I want a quiet space and the option to listen to YouTube videos and music, scroll social media or just browse the web. I want to be left alone on my terms.

In this personal space, I have often talked about quiet walking, intentional walking and many more. In this post, I will blog about the challenges and why we fear being alone. We could be alone anywhere, at home, at dinner, living alone or wherever we are.

The Quiet We Avoid

One evening, feeling tired after work, I was on my way to my usual walking spot when I realised I had forgotten to bring my earphones. I just thought of walking for a while since I had something on afterwards, so I did not waste my time returning home to collect the earphones. I continued. When I reached my spot, I continued walking, that time without earphones. That day, I felt different. I was uncomfortable because it was quiet unlike the other days, where I used the time to listen to the subjects or music that I was interested in. And in the quiet, I could not distract myself from myself.

There were no notifications or emails to reply. Just me, my feet and discomfort quiet I did not expect. Without earphones, I could not listen to YouTube music or videos. Then, I kept reaching for my phone like a reflex to fill the void. I checked my phone as if there were any important things. I checked my Apple Watch constantly, thinking I had already walked for a long time but actually just a while. Time felt slower than usual. Minutes felt like hours. I did not know what else to do. Walking alone without earphones really made time feel slower without the space being filled up. It is like waiting for someone in the cafe. We don’t want to miss the continuity of what we were doing or thinking. The suspense leads to the climax of the movie, the chorus of the song, the updates of other people’s lives, and the worry we brought from relationships or work. It’s not easy to stop thinking and just focus on one thing at a time. We did not realise this uncomfortable quiet noise that carries so much power over us. We want to connect and heal, yet we try to escape. If we have nothing to do or want to distract ourselves, without anyone or any noise, we feel bored. We did not know how to be with ourselves anymore, not without entertaining or numbing ourselves, filling the space with information or tasks. As kids, we could spend hours just being. We were not allergic to silence and not afraid of boredom. We can look at the field, and the playground and appreciate the view of the sky. We could lie on the floor staring at the ceiling. We were just being, living in our imagination, creating entire worlds in our heads, not amidst constant noise in our ears, not with a soundtrack to fill the silence, not lost in a feed. We were the soundtrack, the storyteller, the singer and pretending we were on adventures. 

My Asian parents would not allow me to eat and play at the same time. But time has changed. Now I have my full freedom on myself. It is difficult to stay disciplined and not distracted. Even I caught myself addicted to social media and binge-watching and listening to music and videos.

Why We Struggle With Being Alone

Being alone has never been normalised. Imagine sitting alone, eating alone, watching at the cinema alone. It felt like something was wrong as if people were quietly wondering, “What’s wrong with you?” especially in public places.

From early on, we are conditioned to see aloneness as something wrong that needs to be fixed. A sign of failure or social rejection. I remember during college, we had group assignments and were supposed to have discussions with teammates, but we drifted off course, we ended up joking, chatting and wasting time, not really accomplishing our objectives, just to try not to feel left out. The pressure to belong outweighed the need to focus independently. 

If we did not get invited, we felt left out. We fear missing out on something. The person who dines solo or travels alone, must be lonely, right?

Ironically, we feared being alone and we chose unproductive company over meaningful solitude. We are conditioned with the idea that solitude lacks value, connection, and options.

So we end up filling the silence with notifications, toxic friendships or relationships, background noise, goals and errands. Even when our body tells us that we are tired, we still keep ourselves busy or occupied with tasks because we are afraid of the alternative of being ourselves with ourselves, which is scary. We feel empty inside us.

If you think it is the silence that creates discomfort for you, it actually reveals it.

There, we are faced with our own selves that have we been avoiding in the busyness. In the noise, we numb ourselves, thinking there is escape or worrying about what others might think of us if we are alone. We might miss out on a lot of opportunities to reflect and understand that this empty space tells us to resolve questions within ourselves, our grief we have not processed, our insecurities, and many versions of us that we buried to discover things we never discovered before. Our identity has been built on silence we ignored.

Walking Helped Me Face It

I started walking regularly not long ago, back in the year 2023. I did not have an intention for clarity, just as a normal activity. Later on, I thought it would help me for general health purposes, so I thought of stretching my body and legs. I did not have any plan to escape the digital noise as I was so used to it. 

But something shifted. Walking has become more than just an activity. It has become a way to slow down and reconnect without distractions and pressure. 

I allowed my mind to wander without interruption. That evening, I continued walking with the noisy and uncomfortable thoughts without earphones. I continued walking, just focusing on what was in front of me: my leg, breathing, and steps. I glanced around to see if anyone noticed me walking alone. I realised actually people were not looking at me, they were focused on themselves. No one is judging me for walking alone without headphones. They were in their own world. Some were resting, some were walking with their dogs, some were staring at their phones, some were talking to their friends, and some were taking pictures That moment it clicked. All that overthinking about what others would think of me, whether I seemed weird or lonely, was not coming from anyone else, it was coming from me. This realization is freeing because once you understand many people have their own insecurities and worries, they are busy with their own problems. They were not thinking about you. They are not analyzing or judging you for why you are alone doing your own thing. They are just trying to make sense of their own lives, just like you and I. You don’t need to appear connected, look busy doing something or go somewhere. The fear of being alone you perceived was not real, it was a projection that was inherited and absorbed in a fast and noisy culture.

Solitude is a Reset

We often think that being alone is a sign of sadness or weakness. But what I learned is actually a practice that we had forgotten how to do. 

Being alone, when done with intention is powerful for self-reflection, a moment where you can evaluate what matters to you, especially when you are bored.

 The circle of friendships, are they quietly draining you or are they nourishing and supportive? Do you want to be in a relationship because you are bored? When you are alone and bored, you fear the emptiness. You may reach out to friends without realising they may be toxic, and you may confuse their drama for care when it is actually chaos disguised as closeness.

When you see the advertisement for the latest gadgets or vehicles, do you actually want those things because you are bored with the current ones? Because advertisements suggest that everyone needs one, making what you had felt obsolete and causing you to fall behind when you are not. Maybe you are bored with what you have, or the current ones are beyond replaceable in a financial sense? Or is it because your peers have it, and you wish to follow suit for fear of missing out? When you are alone, you start to notice your impulses more clearly.

Have you wondered how long you scroll on social media, checking the lives and profiles of others?  Maybe you are bored, maybe you are lonely. Are you looking for content to distract yourself or a real connection? Perhaps there is someone that you wish to hang out with?

Someone you wish would invite you out or notice you? Or is there someone you wish to connect with after so long? Or perhaps there is someone you have been wanting to reconnect with but have not reached out to you yet? 

Sometimes, it could be because of the loneliness you had.

We may think connection means constantly being online and reachable. When you sit with your thoughts, without distractions, you begin to listen to yourself again. That is when you reconnect, with your own thoughts and feelings. That is the reset. When you reconnect with yourself, you can reconnect with others, which enables you to build authentic, deeper, connections with others. Maybe you are not looking for content but closeness. Someone you miss. Deeper connections need courage and presence. 

Try This If You are Avoiding Yourself

If you are scared of being alone, perhaps you should start walking. Don’t sprint and check off the number of steps. Just walk and be present without distractions. You may feel awkward, but you may want to be productive. But if you stay long with it, it will feel more comfortable as your body and brain adapt to it. Just like when you go for a cold shower, you tend to avoid cold showers, but once you are in it, your body will tune towards it; the shock will help to reduce stress and improve focus. It is the same with being alone: it gives you the space to increase self-awareness, and provides an opportunity for introspection, fostering personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself.